Chapter Twenty One

A painful throbbing in her left arm brought Jenn out of sleep. Groaning she rolled over to unpin her arm from beneath her and suddenly found herself sliding off the bed. Shit! Grabbing for the sheets too late she hit the floor with a thump, twisted up in the sheets that came with her. Disorientated she groggily looked around her, trying to figure out where the hell she was. Coming to her senses, she sat up rubbing her arm where pins and needles had set in. Christ, as big as the bed is I still manage to fall out of the damn thing! Twisting her neck around she caught sight of her bedside clock gleaming in the darkness at her. 5.20am blinked back at her. Damn jet lag!

Giving up on any more sleep, she pulled herself to her feet and stiffly made her way to the bathroom. Stepping into the shower she revelled in the pulsing hot water beating down on her neck. Mint and eucalyptus shampoo had her scalp tingling and her senses restored. Throwing her robe on she headed for the kitchen to rustle up some fresh coffee. The first signs of a new day were beginning to streak through the blinds of the living room windows and judging by the sky the day was promising to be a good one. Whilst the coffee brewed, Jenn pulled on her comfy work jeans and a t-shirt, piling her wet hair in a scruffy pony tail which she hid under her favourite baseball cap. Stuffing her phone and cigarettes in the back pocket of her jeans, she headed outside, grabbing a mug of coffee on the way. The air had a chill to it and the leaves crunching underfoot hinted at the impending autumn. Nestling herself on the bottom step of the decking which ran around the house, she took a swallow of the steaming coffee and cradled the mug to warm her fingers. She loved this time of the day when nothing was stirring and it seemed like she was the only living thing on the planet. Lighting up a cigarette she grinned at her own contentment. Some may disagree but as far as she was concerned you just couldn’t beat a coffee and nicotine to get the day rolling.

By the time she’d finished her smoke the sun was rising steadily behind her and birds were noisily announcing the arrival of a new day. Swallowing down the last of the coffee she headed for the main barn which was still in darkness. Paul usually gave the girls who worked for him the day off on Sundays unless there was a show on so today Paul would have to be in early to feed the horses. Checking her watch Jenn reckoned he’d probably be thinking about getting out of bed right about now so she sent him off a text;

I’ll feed, can’t sleep so you might as well stay in bed with that lovely wife of yours!

A few seconds later her phone beeped with the reply;

You’re an angel - I love you! Don’t tell Sue!

Grinning to herself she pulled back the heavy barn doors and flicked on the lights. A noisy greeting from the resident horses ensued with heads looking out eagerly over the doors whickering and some impatient feet banging their doors.

“Morning boys and girls!! Whoah now sssh or you’ll have the whole county awake! Patience my friends!”

She greeted each one as she made her way to the feed house and began throwing scoops of feed into buckets checking the board as she went to make sure each one got the right amount. Fifteen minutes later all that could be heard was the steady munching of the horses and the occasional snort. Piling alfalfa onto a barrow she wheeled down the aisle, chucking in slices of the sweet smelling hay to each stall. That done she grabbed a couple more buckets of feed and headed out to the paddocks to check on the horses that lived out at night. Some were out due to dust allergies, some were on holidays after the busy summer jumping season and a couple were pensioners, retired and now living out their days in peace at grass. She had an especially soft spot for one of them, Rex was a big old grey gelding, now almost as white as snow with age. He had been Paul’s top Grand Prix horse when they had all been on tour together and Jenn had a lot of fond memories of him. Scratching him behind his ears as the gentle fellow munched down the feed in the bucket she allowed herself a fleeting glimpse back into the past of the glory days. They had been good times she reckoned with herself. Rex brought her back to reality with a bump as he flung the bucket out of her hand with his nose, disgusted that there was no feed left.

“Hey champ! Take it easy old fellah! You’ll get fat! See ya later old timer!”

She laughed as she picked up the bucket and gave the horse a fond slap on the neck. Realising there was no more food to be gotten here, he squealed and spun around, bucking as he galloped down to the back of the paddock. There was life in the old horse yet that was for sure.

Walking back to the barn, she hummed to herself as she swung the bucket back and forth. Rounding the corner she squealed as she ran straight into Paul who she inadvertently thumped on the knee with the bucket.

“Ow! Good morning to you too!!”

“Crap! Sorry bout that! Hey I thought I told you to stay in bed!” she said frowning at him.

“I was awake but don’t worry I put the spare time to good use! Sue’ll thank you later I’m sure!” Paul replied winking at her.

Throwing up her hands in mock disgust Jenn made a face at him; “Ewww too much information! Right well everything’s fed and hayed boss!”

Paul smiled and put his arm around her as they walked up the barn,

“I should have brought you over here years ago!”

“What and be your personal slave? Nuhuh!” She shook her head grinning. “We’d have killed one another long ago!”

Together they turned out most of the horses into their day paddocks and put the remainder on the electric horse walker. The last two they tacked up and took out for a gentle hack around the farm. Cantering along side by side, they blew the cobwebs away especially when Jenn picked up the pace a little and raced Paul to the top of the hill. Laughing they pulled up and Jenn wiped away the tears that had been forced from her eyes by the sheer force of the wind.

“Phew! Now that’s the way to start a day!” she laughed as they turned to walk the steaming horses back to the farm. They chatted as they let the horses amble along on a loose rein, Jenn filling in Paul on the trip and the horses she’d found for Steph. She left out the bits about Jon obviously but she had a sneaking suspicion he knew there was more going on.

“So whats’s the plan for the rest of the day?” He asked her as they turned up the road for the barn.

“Hmm well I gotta go down to the barn you’re leasing us and sort it out, see what needs doing and so on but apart from that I think I’ll just take it easy.”

“Well why don’t you join us for lunch? Sue normally does a pretty good roast on a Sunday!”

“Oh eh sorry I’ll have to pass on that, I’ve plans made but thanks anyway!” she smiled and hoped to God she wasn’t blushing.

“Plans eh? Well glad to see you’re making friends - anyone I know?” Paul grinned at her and raised his eyebrows.

Jumping down off the horse she glanced up at him and smirked;

“If I told you I’d have to kill you! Just taking care of a little business!”

With that she turned and led the horse off to the wash bay leaving Paul still sitting on his mount staring after her with a bemused smile playing on his lips. She was up to something he knew that much and he’d be damned if he wasn’t gonna find out what it was!

Chapter Twenty

It was early evening by the time Jenn got back to her house after spending the better part of the afternoon with Steve’s parents. Flopping down on the couch with a beer, she took a long swig from the cold bottle and laid her head back against the cushions. Her head was pounding and she felt drugged from tiredness. The early start to the day combined with the flight and the stress of dealing with Steve’s parents had taken it’s toll and her eyes were heavy with impending sleep. While her body was protesting, her mind was in overdrive, replaying the events of the afternoon.

When she had hung up on the phone call from Paul, she’d simply sank to the floor nearly giving Jon a heart attack. She smiled when she thought how concerned he’d been as he fussed over her. There was so much he didn’t know about her but right then was no time to tell him even if she could have found the words to explain. She’d simply begged him to leave saying she had personal issues to sort out and that she’d explain it all to him in time. Jon had been in turmoil, anxious to know what has caused such shock to her but had agreed to leave on the condition she called him tonight. Right on cue, the cell phone in her pocket started to buzz insistently. She didn’t bother to pull it out, she knew it was Jon, he’d already called her about ten times but she just couldn’t muster the energy to talk to him. Some things can’t be explained over a phone call and this was definitely one of those things.

Taking another swallow from her beer she heaved herself off the cushions and made her way over to the window. The sun was low in the sky and was slowly disappearing behind the barn, it’s beams sending rusty streaks across the darkening horizon. It was a beautiful calming sight to behold yet it did nothing to ease her thoughts. When Jon had left, she had gone for a quick shower in a bid to give herself some time to think. She hadn’t spoken to Karl and Nancy, Steve’s parents since shortly after his death. Jenn had said her goodbyes to her fiancé in the U.K and had not travelled to the States for his burial in the family plot. She had been distraught and simply couldn’t comprehend another memorial service. Steve’s parents had taken it badly, especially Nancy who was enraged that the woman her son had wanted to spend the rest of his life with apparently couldn’t be bothered to bring him home. Jenn who had been so consumed with grief had never attempted to correct her and their last phone call to one another had been short and curt. There had been no direct contact between them in the last three years so to have to meet them in person on such short notice had been a definite shock to the system.

After cleaning herself up, she had made her way over to the main house, entering through the backdoor into the kitchen where she had found Sue busily making coffee. Sue knew the history and so understood the panicked and worried look on Jenn’s face. She had reassured her that they were here to make peace and to relax yet Jenn still couldn’t slow her racing heartbeat that was pounding in her chest. Pausing outside the door to the living room where Sue had directed her, she took a deep breath and softly pushed it open and stepped into the room.

The low murmurings of conversation ceased as the three people seated around the coffee table turned to look at her. Paul sprang from the armchair he’d been lounging in and strode over to Jenn, pulling her into a hug.

“Jenn honey! Good to see you! Trip went well?” He squeezed her arm reassuringly as he smiled down at her.

Squeezing him back, she smiled gratefully at him and nodded, “Yes, very successful thanks.”

They both turned to face the older couple now standing watching them from the other side of the room. Karl, Steve’s father stood tall and straight with his arm around his wife’s waist. In his late sixties now, he was still an attractive man with the streaks of grey through his dark hair giving a very distinguished look. Nancy didn’t look to have aged a day since Jenn had last seen her over four years earlier. Shorter than her husband, she was a slim elegant figure, dressed smartly and eyeing Jenn nervously.

Nobody seemed to know what to do next so Jenn swallowed hard and walked over to the couple with her hand out.

“Karl, Nancy……..nice to see you” she spoke nervously shaking hands with both of them in turn. Nancy grasped her hand firmly and clasped it with her other hand. Jenn was shocked to see the older lady’s eyes brimming with tears. “It’s been too long dear and for that I have nobody but my foolish self to blame.” She paused and smiled all the while still grasping Jenn’s hand. “It really is so good to see you.”

Jenn could find no words and simply smiled back, her own eyes starting to smart a little. She motioned to the leather sofa and led her over to sit down. Karl silently sat down opposite the two women and watched his wife try to regain her composure. Jenn started to speak but Nancy interrupted her whilst fumbling for a tissue in her pocket.

“I’ve waited too long to say this Jenn and ……..I’m sorry, so very sorry for the way I treated you after…..”

Nancy’s petite frame was shuddering now in an effort to hold in her anguish. Tears were now freely rolling down Jenn’s cheeks and she shook her head.

“No Nancy, there’s no need, I didn’t behave very well either, I just……”, her lips trembled and her throat burned as a hard lump formed in it.

Karl spoke quietly from the other sofa,

“Grief is a terrible thing, we just deal with it whatever way we can but I think we went about it the wrong way, instead of pulling together we pushed each other apart.”

Jenn watched him as he shook his head sadly.

“Our son would never have wanted that and it’s a shame that it’s taken us so long to realise that.”

Nancy sniffled beside her and grasped her hand once more,

“We’d like to make amends Jenn, if you’re willing, so…..” pausing she looked deep into her eyes, “…so we can all move forward. Steve would have wanted it.”

The lump that had been forming in her throat now made it impossible to speak, it was all she could do to simply nod her head in agreement as the tears flooded her face. Nancy pulled her close and held tight as both of them sobbed out all of the pent up anguish. After several moments, Jenn sat up and took the tissue that Karl proffered to her. Clearing her nose and wiping her eyes, she took several deep breaths and stood to face the elder couple.

“I loved your son like I’ve never loved anyone in my life. It sounds cheesy but it’s the truth. He was my soul mate and I thought we’d be together forever but one stupid incident took him from me” pausing she levelled her eyes with Nancy, “Took him away from all of us.”

Turning away, she walked over to the window and gazed out at the horses grazing quietly in the paddock outside.

“We were a team, and we could have achieved so much together but he’s gone and it’s taken me a long time to realise that he’s not coming back.”

She rested her hot forehead against the cool glass of the window pane, her temples were throbbing painfully. Speaking softly now she turned to face them once more,

“I’m sorry I didn’t come out here to say goodbye with you both but I …….” she shook her head searching for the right words, “ I couldn’t go through saying goodbye again, we never had a life together here, our life was back home and ………”

“Hush now honey, it’s okay”,

Karl cut her off and walked over to rub her shoulder.

“We understand that now and we should have back then, we just couldn’t see past the pain of losing our son.”

Nancy spoke up from her position on the sofa,

“We’re on the same wavelength now, it’s time to move forward, to live the rest of our lives in happiness. We don’t know what’s around the next corner and perhaps it’s best we don’t. Let’s not waste any more time fighting and just be a family again.”

Jenn’s head jerked up at the mention of family. She furrowed her eyebrows in slight confusion.

“Yes Jenn, family!” Nancy continued, “We want you to treat us as family, let us support you as we did Stevie, it’s what we should have done from the start.”

“What do you mean by support Nancy?” Jenn wasn’t sure how she was supposed to react to this and stiffened slightly.

“Now now we just want to be a part of your life Jenn”, Karl threw a warning glance to his wife that Jenn picked up on, “Especially now that you’re here in our home country, it’s even more important that you have people to rely on.”

Jenn had an uneasy feeling about the way this conversation was headed and spoke up,

“Thank you both but Paul and Sue are very good to me and have welcomed me into the heart of things here, I’m sure I’ll be fine but I would very much like if we could be friends.”

She chose her words the best she could, she still wasn’t sure what they were getting at and she wasn’t sure she even wanted to know.

“Good! We can move on from here so!” Karl clapped his hands together and stretched his back, “I wonder do these folks eat anything around here?”

“Karl! Manners!” Nancy admonished her husband gently. Rolling her eyes at Jenn she smiled “Never stops thinking about food!”

Jenn gave a little laugh, “If I know Sue I’d say she has a feast ready for us, I’ll just go check!” and with that she escaped from the room. Closing the door behind her she caught sight of Paul disappearing into the kitchen. Grinning she headed after him knowing full well he’d been eavesdropping. Sure enough Paul was in the middle of hurriedly explaining things to Sue when she walked in.

“Ah Jenn! Everything go okay?” he asked with a mock surprise look plastered across his face.

“Why don’t you tell me wise ass?” Jenn grinned at him and threw a towel in his direction.

“What? How should I know?”, he knew full well he’d been caught out and the beginnings of a smirk were starting to curl the sides of his mouth.

Sue threw a look at both of them and hissed “Ssssh, this house isn’t soundproof you know kids! Come on, we’ll feed them and then maybe we can have some peace!”

Sue bumped her way of the kitchen carrying a tray of delicious looking cold meats and motioned for Jenn to grab the remaining tray off the big oak table.

“Paul bring the salads please!”

“Yes M’am!” Paul saluted his wife and winked at Jenn. “C’mon Irish, you’re nearly done!”

‘God I hope so!’ she thought to herself as she lifted the tray. Making amends was all good and well but it was tiring as hell!

Pleasant conversation was made over the delicious tea Sue had made and an hour later Jenn finally made her excuses and escaped after promising to keep in touch with Karl and Nancy. Now gazing out the window with her beer she couldn’t understand why she felt so uneasy. They’d seemed genuine enough but her gut feelings were telling her otherwise. Something was telling her there was a hidden agenda going on but she couldn’t for the life of her figure out what it could be.

The cell phone in her pocket buzzed again jolting her from her thoughts. Pulling it out this time, she saw Jon’s name flash up on the screen. Hesitating she sighed and pressed the silencer. When the call had rung out she cleared the screen and saw she had fourteen missed calls from him and nearly as many voice messages. 'Jesus Jon, take a hint already!' she thought. Instantly she berated herself for being such a bitch, he was concerned about her and she should be grateful. She fired him off a quick text explaining she was okay but wrecked and needed to get some sleep and promised to call him tomorrow.

Dropping the empty beer bottle in the trash can on her way through the kitchen, a text came through as she headed to her bathroom.

Get some rest baby, lunch 12.30 tomorrow, your place - I’ll bring the wine ~ JBJ xx

Smiling she fired one back at him;

Sounds good, bring take-out as well! No food in house! J xx

It amazed her how those few words from him had instantly made her feel more relaxed. It was nice to have someone care on that level for a change. Moments later her head hit the pillow and tiredness finally overtook her carrying her off to a dreamless sleep.